This has been a bit of a roller-coaster. Hair-raising, nauziating, and scary week. Basically I've been totally stretched to my limit. Every part of life seems to be pounding on me and I have found myself often thinking "Lord promised he wouldn't give us more than we can handle" as a mantra. As many of you who know me can attest, I seem to do more than the normal mother of 4 can do. I often have people ask "how do you do it?" Lack of sleep!!! I have found myself pushing myself to the brink. Trying to keep everything in order (or trying to find order), trying to meet the needs of husband and kids (but not my own), basically juggling way to many balls (and feeling like I was dropping more and more of them). Satan is staging a blitz on women particularly the women of the church and I have been under attack. I will admit that these last few weeks I have found little joy in the work that normally consumes me and that I love - motherhood. This would make me even more irratated with myself. I have found myself on my knees and in my scriptures like a thirty camel. Searching for anything that will help me find joy in my eternal calling as a mother, and woman of the church. I have been studying for a talk on feb 2009 Visiting teaching message - understand the divine role of women. Well to be honest that half my problem this month. I have always struggled a great deal with the concept of divine nature, individual worth, and divine roles. I never realized how interrelated they are. My divine nature is wraped in my divine role and that is part of my individaul worth as a daughter of my heavenly father. I have found through my study that its all about motherhood. Not just the act of bringing children into the world, but the act of mothering - nurturing those around us, teaching, guiding, uplifting and serving. Patricia Holland stated that motherhood is more about our nature than maturity.
read her fabulous talk here http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=c63b71ec9b17b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD
Well, call me crazy but my abillity as wife and a mother is something that I am actually selfconcious about. I feel like there's often a bit of a magnifying glass on me and I am being scrutinizied by onlookers. Maybe its the comments, the number of kids, unrealistic personal expectations, or a combinations of many facotrs - bbut the fact is that I am way harder on myself than I should be (or is even healthy). So all this study has been a little painful. I see everything I haven't been doing well enough and the fact that I was enjoying it was the worst. I have literally felt like all of the things happening somehow were due to something I did or that I should have done. I was taking on more weight than humanly possible. Than yesterday I had to go to the temple. Some people say when you you can't stand it knee, well I just runaway to the temple. WOW! I think that was the most spiritual expereience I have had in a long time. I found so much to help me find joy and a confidence and understanding of my divine role as a mother. But one of the most profound was simply an increased understanding of the term lightmindedness. I looked it up when I got home. I raelized that I was being light minded about the things that should carry the most weight and to "heavy minded" about the things that weren't. I was to stressed about trying the control life that it was controling me! Life is really just a series of events that are out of control. we can only control how we handle them. Emphasising the choas just showed me it was everywhere driving me nuts, but when I accept that I can't control, much of anything and really I should be submitting to the will of the lord than the things that I can't control - naturally find order. Prayer is how this happens. Instead of praying for the things that I need help with and about how I feel overwhelmed and can't handle it all, that when I come to the lord with a contrite spirit and a broken heart that the things that I need are taken care of, or at least I can handle them better until that time. Prayer is really at the center of order in life. Like centerfuge. As life spins around and around on the verg of flying out of control that if I ground myself in prayer, then order happens, and life stays withing a limit that I can handle and control. How does this have anything to do with m divine role? My role is as a mother and wife, a nurture and help meet. Motherhood isn't about controlling the number of spills or the level of destruction but in nurturing the testimonies and minds of the children that are under my care (not just my physical children, but my heavenly fathers children - everyone). It is easy to feel that the role of wife and mother are unimportant and unfulfilling but I am finding that it is only when we embrace our divine role that we really find that fulfillment. I haven't been feeling the joy of fulfillment because I have been questioning my role, nature, and worth. As I left the temple, I realized how special that role is and the confidence that Heavenly Father places in us women. We are vital. We may feel insignificate in the light of the mopping, laundry and sundry duties that often take over our life. But we are vital to the plan of our heavenly father. We bring his children into the next stage of progress, but more importantly we nurture and guide them, we build the foundation that the next step of progression relies upon. No one can take our place (except in the areas that don't matter). I hope this jumbled mess makes sense, but I just wanted to share that I know that I am of worth because I am a partner with god in bringing to past the immortality and eternal life of his children, and I am vital because the family is centeral to his plan and the mother and wife is centeral to the family. I am a mother and that is what makes me of woorth. And if I focus are the things that are central to that plan of nurturing the kids than I will find fulfillment. It's not about what I manage to keep or gain control of, its about enjoying the eternal things that have been put in my hands to teach.
great talks that have helped me:
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=ff68a1615ac0c010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=291c8c6a47e0c010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD
http://institute.lds.org/manuals/eternal-marriage-student-manual/u-w-women.asp - read all the chapters: selected teachings, The Divine Work of Women
What Is a Help Meet?
The Role of Righteous Women, President Spencer W. Kimball
To the Mothers in Zion, President Ezra Taft Benson
Women of the Church, President Gordon B. Hinckley
The Joy of Living the Great Plan of Happiness, Elder Richard G. Scott
We Are Women of God, Sister Sheri L. Dew
“One Thing Needful”: Becoming Women of Greater Faith in Christ, Sister Patricia T. Holland
2 comments:
hi tyra, it's me again. I enjoy your posts and you are awesome! I still am self conscious at times too - but not as much i used to be. I think we all are. And all mothers feel it - the onlookers. But you are a wonderful mother. Take confidence in the kind of mother you are - each mother is different and your kids have been sent to you because they need YOU, not the way someone else does things. mothers are way too hard on themselves, Atleast the really good ones are. i have been wehre you are. and others have been too. you are not alone and you are doing a wonderful job with those adorabel kiddos of yours. by the way, we are really missing you guys. Can't wait to see you all. And I can wait to meet phoebe. love you!
I wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed talking to you the other day. Sorry I had to rush off, I totally lost track of time and had to get to a ward baptism. I am so glad that you were able to get to the temple. That is my favorite place to be. Chris and I are able to trade babysitting with another family in the ward. That way we both get to go to the temple for the month. The temple really has strengthened me in times of trials and just makes me feel loved.
I wish we lived close so that we could get together. I wish I could take your kids for you to let you have a break every now and then. I am so glad that you have found that you are important in Heavenly Fathers plan. Thank you for the reminder. I need to keep telling me the same thing, because sometimes I forget too. I will always remember when someone said something like, your kids only grow up once and the cleaning & house work will always be there. I think you are a great mom and you just need to learn how to say no every now and then! =)
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