My pursuit of joy

My Pursuit of Happiness
3 weeks after starting therapy for depression and anxiety – I’m ask to share how I find joy and pursue happiness at this stage in my life at a Relief Society social. (LOL!) I am convinced that the Lord has a sense of humor. (LOL!) But I know (not laughing now) that He always knows what I need. So I sat down and made a list. These are some of the things that help me to remember and find the joy in this season of my life where I almost always find myself buried in the trenches (that’s slightly more than just in the trenches) of raising young children.
1. Happilog – I recently started to keep a running journal of the little and big things that happen during the day that make me happy. They say that it takes 14 positives to out weigh a negative so it’s mainly about the kids – things they say or do. It’s easy to forget those joyful moments in the chaos that is called home.
2. Surrender - It’s ok to have mess. I’m trying and right now that is my best effort and that’s fine. He doesn’t ask more than we can give. Learn to live in the chaos, the creation was organization of matter, but it didn’t specify how long it actually took to organize it, but it certainly wasn’t one day. Remember you didn’t let yourself go, you gave yourself up to a better cause.
3. Find cognitive traps – Being aware of my thought patterns, especially negative ones and then logically stepping back and refuting them. The negative thoughts and expectations will wear you down.
4. Hobbies and passions – the creative spirit is very uplifting and helps me remember who I am and what I enjoy. That often disappears during the day as I put my needs off to meet others, but in taking the time to practice, develop and utilize talents and interests (they aren’t necessarily the same thing) that I get time to myself, I build my self confidence and I can often serve others and my family at the same time.
5. CHOCOLATE (DARK)
6. Marriage – keeping a strong marriage is important. Spending time with brig talking, reading, relaxing, or working really helps. One its adult conversation! But in keeping that communication open I can tell him what I need and how I’m feeling in complete honesty. Especially when I need him to listen and when to fix things.
7. Service – as mothers everything that we do is a form of service, when seen in that light the dishes aren’t as bad, the living room isn’t as aggravating to clean and even the bathroom sparkles more. It gives life agency instead of feeling like we have to do everything.
8. Reading and intellectual interests – Keeping my brain active and developing it. If you can’t talk to an adult and your brain is craving a stimulating conversation – a book is great. Keep learning – never stop!
9. Improve your surroundings – I’m love interior design so I really feel a connection to my environment. I pick my colors based on the moods I want to cultivate. Good lighting and functionality help too. The Boy Scout motto – leave things better then you found them. That means people too.
10. Magnifying my callings – they always seem to bring me what I need, improved scripture study, social time, creative outlets, talent discovery and development. The more that I throw myself into my callings the more rewards I reap.
11. Understanding my divine role and seeking to apply those teachings in my life.
12. Priesthood blessings – I write them in my journal and then go back and read them when I’m struggling, along with my patriarchal blessing.
13. Study examples – I look for other moms, currently or previously in similar circumstances to me. I pick their brains, read their books or talks; I look for lessons and principles. I have studied the mothers of the prophets (they obviously were very successful. I love Linda Eyre and others that have written about mothering. It’s a reminder that it’s normal. We often feel we need to hid our faults and failures and seem perfect for fear of what others may say. But really others can learn from us and find comfort from our experiences to help them endure theirs. I’m love going to my aunts in Beaverton. She has 13 kids and they are all 11mons to 18 months apart. It’s so comforting because my life is the norm there.
14. Children are motivated by either curiosity or a desire to help. Remember this (key word remember) helps prevent a lot of the frustration of parenting and provides the best teaching opportunities. (It doesn’t however decrease “interesting” behavior).
15. Remember their perspective – do they even know what I’m taking about, is it really within their level of ability to perform or refrain.
16. Except repetition as normal – they say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results – that’s why all mothers are crazy. Kids learn from repetition – hence the saying “I’ve told you 1500 times to stop jumping on the couch… sit on the seat and not the back… that your head isn’t going to fit in there… etc.”
F17. ind a girl friend. There is great comfort in having some one to talk to that you don’t feel like you need to perform or pretend for.
18. Believe your husband when he says you’re beautiful or wonderful or you’re doing fine. He’s not just saying that to make you feel better, although they do want that, but men say what they really mean and we should all know by now that if they know they’re going to make us upset they avoid it. And really he and your heavenly father and the savior are the only ones who really have to live with you for eternity and the only opinions that really matter. They are the ones that really know us best (often better than we know ourselves).
19. Plan – your brain is already on a downward slide, give it all the traction you can. Write things down, organize your time, make lists, be prepared, and check things off. We are hard enough on ourselves without missing appointments, forgetting what we came to the store for and so forth – give yourself the best chance at success.
20. Teach/expect your kids to entertain themselves – that’s not your job all the time. You need down time and have a house to run. You can’t be there all the time. Besides eavesdropping is where a lot of my joy comes from.
21. Expect to be taught by your kids - they are little mirrors and reflect so much that we can really see our strengths and weaknesses, embarrassments and pride. Once again eavesdropping reveals a great deal.
22. Look for the blessings side of the coin – play the glad game. Even the hardiest trials have something we can be glad and thankful for.
23. Remember that one day it will be funny so take a picture and write it down.
24. Ask for help! And expect to get it. Let your husband and kids know if you don’t feel like you are. First they probably don’t even know it and two the resentment leaves a bad aftertaste.
25. Music! I do so much better when good music is around, and so do my kids. My personal favorite is opera and classical.
26. Dance! Ballroom, Ballet, hip hop, or the limp noodle (brig’s signature move) the exercise is great and kids dancing keeps them out of trouble, helps them go to sleep faster, churns butter and lets face nothing is better to watch than a 2 year get down to I like to move it move it.
27. Wholesome recreation – hiking, car trips, dancing, cooking, games, and pillow fights, and so on. Joy is more verb then noun – its like faith it requires action. And it provides the memories that you need when joy slips away.
28. Take pictures, journal, and enjoy them.
29. Get rid of the scale and all the clothes that don’t fit. It will make you feel better, innocence is bliss.
30. Have goals – and be actively engaged in achieving them. I’m very visual so I like to track them with charts and checklists.
31. Find the needs vs. wants – there’s plenty trying to get our attention and steal us away, find want you need and get rid of the rest (activities, things, hobbies, interests). The more balls you’re trying to juggles the probability of dropping them increases. And some things should not be dropped. Find the things that distract you the most from what is best and get rid of them or set up a way to limit them. (sorry but that would also include Twilight)
32. Stay home – remembering the promises given to mothers who choose not to work outside the home. Every one has been fulfilled (notice that being easy or with out sacrifice wasn’t one of them)
33. Remember there is a time and a season and that the lord doesn’t expect it all at once. Notice when he asked us to develop Christ-like attributes that ever present, all-knowing and all powerful wasn’t on the list.
34. Just keep trying to progress – no one can stay in one spot, you’re either going one way or going the other.
35. Repent and quickly say I’m sorry, especially to our kids and spouses.
36. Get out of the house sometime.
37. turn on all the lights
38. Remember to play!
39. Have rules – explain them. When kids say why? They aren’t really being sassy, they honestly want to know. Joseph smith said that he taught the saints correct principles and they governed themselves. Answer their questions, teach the principles and they will follow them.
40. Have a schedule, a routine. Being able to be on auto pilot relieves some stress and actually gives great flexibility.
41. The primary answers – study the scriptures (and ensigns), pray, go to church, etc. These are the things that make the biggest difference.
42. Embrace your inner weirdness and laugh at it. Be excepting of yourself and your kids will learn to do the same. I’m not weird I’m gifted! Enjoy a fetish – weird socks, dying your hair, avoiding peaches and blue food. Don’t be afraid to wear that plastic crown to the store (on accident) or get caught with the pacifier in your mouth.
43. Plan to be surprised!
44. Have traditions. New pair of socks at Christmas and for each delivery. Daycations, and doughnut runs, special items at the grocery store, rewards, and pizza planets (indoor pizza picnics). Camping, costumes, and routines.
45. There is always room for improvement! and that's ok!
46. Sleep – either learn to get it or learn to live without it. But recognize when you need it and get it.
47. Time outs aren’t just for children! It teaches them and is valuable for us as well.
48. Maggie Austin often encouraged us to let out will be swallowed in the will of our father – even if it was only for one second. But I often think of that and even though it’s only a minute, it makes a difference. And when that is your goal life is a pleasure not a test.
49. If my sadness was so great than how great will be my joy! Because joy always outweighs the sorrow.
50. Insist on politeness – please and thank you- from everyone yourself included.
51. Smile
52. Laugh!

This is more like a survival guide not just how to find joy. Joy is really in the little things, keeping joy is in habits and reflexes. Joy is cumulative, not instant or and ebb and flow. Joy must be sown, harvested, gathered, and preserved. Joy is always present but we have to open ourselves to it. Having joy is a talent. We have to accept it and nurture it, and seek it. Joy is as joy does! So go and do!

Hypocrisy disclaimer: These are things I try and do, but am not anywhere near perfect in doing.